6 months out

I have been out of hospital now for 6 months; so theoretically I should be cured right?


Things got better and then they got worse again.

Recently, my problem with alcohol and using it as a coping tool for anxiety has become a vicious circle. I drink because I’m anxious, drinking makes me anxious, so I drink more because I’m anxious and so on and so forth.
In the past few months, due partially to my circumstances (mother in law passed away, boss died suddenly and my care coordinator from the crisis team died), my urge to, I suppose rebel or just get fucked up has been overwhelming. I just don’t care.

I’m at the stage now where I drink in secret, hide how much I’ve drunk and do not seem to have a stop button, although I think I’ve always struggled with that last one.

I sought help from the Recovery Partnership – actually, I’ve been seeing them for a few months but this was the first time I called them and admitted I have a big problem. They helped me calculate my alcohol intake which was coming in at a whopping 48 units per week. The recommend amount for a woman is 9 units.

They provided me with a target plan and already I’ve messed up 2 days in, mainly because I don’t know how else to cope with the crippling feelings.

So, what do you do? Obviously drinking is a depressant and probably the worst thing I could be excessively doing at this time, but there doesn’t feel like there is any alternative. People suggest yoga which I love, but I don’t have anywhere at home I feel at peace enough to do it, mindfulness which I can’t manage as much as a practice due to my apparent ADHD symptoms…. they say all kinds of things, but truth is, I’d rather drink enough wine to feel anything but empty.

And there the vicious cycle begins again, because I feel angry. Angry enough to cut myself as a punishment, angry enough to not care about being irresponsible and having unprotected sex and use the morning after pill two days in a row, angry enough to take a lot more medication than I should.

I have asked the Recovery Partnership to help me detox with the use of yet more medication. It’s not something I’m proud of and I’m reluctant to use more tablets again but I honestly don’t know how else I can break this cycle.

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