So I relapsed…

This blog post is a long time coming. I relapsed a couple of weeks ago which isn’t ideal… I felt like I was doing well then BAM out of seemingly nowhere I self-harmed.

I was out with my old school friends over Easter for my birthday. I was so excited because we hadn’t been out together since before my first admission into hospital, over a year ago. I have to admit I had already drunk a bottle of wine and done a few tequila shots (it was my birthday!) before we’d left so I was drunk, which I know now is one of my vulnerability factors. It was a very stressful night that led up to my eventual self-harm. Firstly, one of my friends was refused entry to the club, by a rather aggressive bouncer, and instead of turning to leave what ensued was a very blown out of proportion argument over how ‘she’s not that drunk’ and demanding we be let in. This all resulted in my friends being pushed by the bouncer and (massively overreacting) my friend decided to call 999 and asked the police to come down as she had ‘just been assaulted by a bouncer’ outside the club.

During all of this drama I started to externally shut down, I was standing very still not speaking, but internally my mind was going crazy. I was getting so worked up and anxious about the whole situation; the arguing, the pushing and potentially the police turning up. To be honest, right then, I had the urge to jump of the multi-storey car park opposite – thank god I didn’t. But I did drunk call my therapist (which was fun to explain), smashed some glass in the bar we returned to and used it to cut my arm and leg. My friends were understandably upset, Amy* decided to call her dad to pick us up then went home rather than stay at my house as previously planned.

We didn’t really talk about it until I met one of my friends a week later and bluntly asked if they were angry with me. She explained that they were upset but also they were angry with what I had done. I understood up until that point. If I had relapsed due to stress with a physical problem they wouldn’t have been angry with me so why was this different? It must have been hard for them to deal with but I felt like I had no control over it, I felt compelled to hurt myself. So, I’m trying to take a step back and not be upset with their anger but try to rationalise it. How can somebody who has never been in that position of wanting to self-harm/commit suicide actually comprehend what it’s like being in that position? They can’t. It’s really that simple. So, rather than feeling offended or hurt at their anger, I have to reassure myself that they simply CAN’T understand it therefore have no idea what was going through my head and why I needed to self-harm. Don’t get me wrong, my friend have been amazingly supportive the last year and visited me in hospital etc, it’s just the understanding of my mental health that has put a bit of distance between us, even before this night.

That’s my friends dealt with, but then how did I feel about myself after the event? Of course after over 4 months self-harm free I was gutted to have lost my ‘streak’. I felt ashamed, sad and hopeless all at once. I’d let myself down. However, after a few days I was able to talk it through with my ‘mental friends’ – the super supportive lot I met in hospital, they reasoned with me that the thought I was back to square one wasn’t true. Yes, I had to start my ‘no self-harm streak’ from zero but I was still mentally in a better place. 4 months ago I would’ve thought ‘fuck this, I’ve failed, I may as well give up’. But I haven’t. I’ve talked it through with my therapist (after explaining the drunken voicemail, oops) and friends and realised I can keep going. The best way forward is for me to not give up, and next time aim for 5 months self-harm free, then 6, then 7, then who knows, maybe even forever?

I think the key thing that I’m trying to get across is how important it is to keep going. Yes, life can get rough, recovery isn’t straight forwards, and shit is bound to happen to knock you down. But what really counts is that you get back up again. You keep going – even though I know sometimes it feels totally impossible – you ask for help when you need it and I guess just try your best. As my Mum says, that’s all anybody can ask for. So remember, it might not feel like it but YOU’VE GOT THIS.

Mental health terminology

Sometimes, I think that the stigma around mental health is down, not only to the fact that people are uncomfortable talking about others they see as ‘abnormal,’ but also because they don’t have the knowledge of specific conditions or terminology. No-one wants to come across as uneducated or a bit simple, especially when talking to peers, so maybe more awareness would be encouraging to the people who are curious but don’t ask.

Below are some conditions and phrases and a small overview of their meanings:

  • Affective Disorders – mood disorders such as Bi-Polar, Depression or Anxiety.
  • Adjustment Disorder or Stress Response Syndrome – normally occurs after a significant event in your life, giving you stronger than usual feelings of hopelessness and sadness etc that would be considered greater than what is typical for said event.
  • Anxiety – covers a wide range of disorders such as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Panic Disorder and GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder).
  • Bi-Polar – an illness that causes the sufferer to experience periods of intense highs (mania) or intense lows intermingled with short periods of ‘normal’ behaviour. Sometimes genetic, but occurs typically for a person in their 20’s.
  • Body Dysmorphic Disorder – the belief that you have a problem with the appearance of a specific part of their body that interferes with their self consciousness.
  • Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) – a series of 5-20 sessions helping people adapt their mood and behaviour during problem solving. It teaches them to break down the problem into bite size chunks to make them more manageable.
  • Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) – a mental health professional giving long term support to people suffering with mental health living in the community.
  • Crisis Team – a service available 24/7 to visit people in the community who require immediate intervention with things such as suicidal thoughts or actions, psychosis or the potential for a patient to be a danger to themselves or others. They will visit you at home regularly, sometimes multiple times in a day or week, help arrange for medication to be prescribed or make a referral for you to be admitted to an inpatient unit.
  • Oppositional Defiant Disorder – a severe hostility towards people in authority
  • Post Natal Depression (PND) – affects 1 in 10 women after giving birth. Symptoms include low mood, negative thoughts (sometimes about harming yourself or baby), lack of concentration, trouble sleeping but always being tired and difficulty bonding with or recognising your baby.
  • Post Partum Psychosis – a condition that effects around 1 in every 1000 mothers in the UK. This can cause hallucinations, paranoia, confusion and depression.
  • Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) – the way of responding to a distressing or frightening event. This may include flashbacks, nightmares and feelings of guilt or isolation.
  • Schizophrenia – an illness characterised by ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ symptoms. Positive symptoms can include hallucinations, disordered thinking and delusions. Negative symptoms include a lack of motivation and social withdrawal.
  • Somatoform Disorder – a series of psychological symptoms that cannot be explained medically but that show emotional distress through physical characteristics.
  • Ward Round – a weekly appointment for each patient in a mental health unit with mental health professionals such as your CPN, Psychiatrist, named nurse and occupational therapist. It is designed to give you an opportunity to discuss your care plan and how to move forward.


I appreciate there is a lot more to mental health than just the points made above, but I thought it would be good to just start to give definitive explanations for some phrases or illnesses that people may be unsure about.


Apparently, I have EUPD

Recently, I was asked to take part in a research study with the University of Warwick, by my psychiatrist who said I was a ‘perfect fit,’ for the specification they were looking for in a participant.

I was given a sheet describing what was required in terms of my time and the tasks I would be asked undertake and upon reading it, I discovered that this particular project was aimed at mothers with either Boarderline Personality Disorder, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or both.

I’d read up briefly about EUPD and had a suspicion for a while that perhaps this was why I suffered some of the following symptoms:

– My inability to regulate emotions
– The feeling of emptiness or not really knowing who I am
– My tendency to spiral out of control with drinking, taking too much medication or self harming (normally superficially, but to me they are one and the same)

And most of all;

– The emotional attachment I have for people I meet.

I’ve realised as I’ve gotten older that I have intense emotional feelings for what I perceive as older, strong female role models. Not in an ,’I fancy the pants off you,’ way but more as a protector or someone who would keep me safe.
When I was younger, I had quite a distant relationship from my Mum. She had an affair whilst my Dad was suffering from chronic depression and alcoholism and subsequently when they separated, we  moved in with ‘the other man.’ My Dad moved 90 miles away to Windsor and had a few stints in rehab to help him with his issues.

At this point, I was in a new house, in a different town, at a different school and my brother (who is 14 years my senior) had moved out because he and this guy did NOT get on.
I didn’t want to be in the house or around him. He just wasn’t very nice and there was a lot of shit from the backlash of their relationship. At 7 or 8, I remember sitting in a tree at the top of the garden whilst his eldest daughter laid into them both and eventually hit my mum – she was only 18; I guess it must’ve been just as awful for her as it was for me.

My mum and I grew distant, because she wanted a relationship with him and I didn’t. By 8, I would leave the house most days at around 8.30am to either go to school or go to the house across the road to a friends. I often wouldn’t go home until my curfew – though I probably broke that more times than I could count! I would even opt to go the local abattoir to work with my friends mum than be at home.

I didn’t tell her things; from what had happened in my day to how I was felt about seeing my Dad pissed up and falling into a river on a boating holiday that just he and I were on. I was 10; how was I supposed to get a grown man out of the water? Fortunately, we were moored and I was able to run for help, but the initial panic was scary. I didn’t tell her my dad would take me to the pub on the weekends I was with him, or that I was smoking on and off from the age of 11.
I didn’t tell her that I hated this guy because he wasn’t in the slightest bit interested in me being a part of my mums life – in fact he actively made it clear. I don’t remember much of my  childhood, because honestly, I don’t think I want to.

I felt like I had to look for that motherly bond elsewhere and to some extent I still do. My mum and I get along just fine (now she’s binned this guy) and she has been hugely supportive of my journey through Post Natal Depression, but there is just something that holds me back from telling her stuff. Occasionally when she has bad days, she apologises still for her behaviour, 20 years on.

More often than not, these intense feelings stay as intense feelings; because generally the people they are towards are not really within my friendship circle or peer group though I would desperately like them to be. But, I imagine telling them things about my past and them helping me or taking care of me. I imagine them taking me under their wing and helping me past any demons I’m facing. Generally, this doesn’t happen and i’m left with a feeling of no self worth because if I was worth taking notice of, then they would’ve done.

Reading this back, I know it sounds like attention seeking; but I literally can’t regulate it. And I wish I could, because most of the time, it just ends in disappointment.